i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
