I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
