I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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