the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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