So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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