I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
