just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
