Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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