I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
