They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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