dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
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