I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize