I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I want to fling myself into the sun
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
