There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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