so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
