Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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