even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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