I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
