someone threw a dead crab at me
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I fill condoms, not promises.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
