Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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