We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize