Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
