know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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