I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
