The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
