I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
