Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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