I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
