New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
