i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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