does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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