the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
