I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
