i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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