I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
