Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
