I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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