I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
