Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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