Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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