Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
