sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
