If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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