either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize