it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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