I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
