I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
