I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
