Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
