i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
