he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
