I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
