i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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