I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
