There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
