im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
