Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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